Vomit and feces are two reason I have decided not to procreate.

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

Every single person has the power to change the world and help people.

Each man has some part to play.

In cities no one notices specific dying. Dying is a quality of the air. It's everywhere and nowhere.

If every one said orders were impossible to carry out when they were received where would you be? Where would we all be if you just said, "Impossible," when orders came?

Longevity is a big part of credibility.

Friends, there are many areas in which I need encouragement, but worrying is not one of them. I worry the way Renée Fleming sings high Cs: Effortlessly. Loudly. At length.

The soul is no longer honored as it once was, but it still keeps appetite from being the measure of all things.

The majority of surveys throughout this Nation show that the American people are advocating for a comprehensive and realistic approach to immigration reform.

Managing wildlife? It's wild! It don't need managing, leave it alone.