Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I figured this out. I know what's wrong with what we've done in Iraq. We've been following time as it goes forward. What a classic mistake. Linear time is so pre-9-11.

You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.

I won’t give my heart to another girl until God shows me it’s my wife.

My own feeling is that if adultery is wickedness then so is food. Both make me feel so much better afterward.

Without pride, man becomes a parasite – and there are already too many parasites.

I'm English and as such I crave disappointment. That's why I buy Kinder Surprise.

You have me like a drawing, erased, coloured in, untitled, signed by your tongue.

If you make people laugh too much, their blood becomes - I believe it is acidic as opposed to alkaline. It changes the oxygen level in the blood, and people are likelier to pass out at that point.

People at .08 are too impaired to drive. Studies show that at .08, the ability to perform critical driving functions is decreased by as much as 60 percent.

Sir, that much prudence calls for too much worry; I cannot foresee misfortunes so far away.

Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.

I don't think anyone in the media thinks strategically about society.