Wait a minute, words in the prompter, script on my desk, vending machine upstairs out of Funyuns... the writers are back!

You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.

We are the result of the universe attempting to understand itself

I love love because it comes in so many forms shapes sizes and colours. It fits everyone.

Other people imagined demons and monsters under the bed. Robert had actually seen them.

It is evidently equally foolish to accept probable reasoning from a mathematician and to demand from a rhetorician demonstrative proofs.

I'm in a perfect position. I don't want to be more famous and I can't lose sponsors, so I can say anything I want.

I beg you, reject antiquity, tradition, faith, and authority! Let us begin anew by doubting everything we assume has been proven!

We should seek to observe, and then to serve.

Money doesn't make u happy .. But happy makes you money.

Social and political life is a Society for the Diffusion of Mendacity .

If you’ve given a dollar, you are part of the Marathon of Hope .