Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

I'm a personal type of person. I'll speak when I have something to say, not 'cause someone just wants to know something.

There's nothing worse than being shackled by some miniscule sort of technology you have onstage, and I think your mettle is going to get tested in those moments.

I get tired of playing a guy who gets into a fight, then starts singing to the guy he's just beat up.

Though the mills of God grind slowly, yet they grind exceeding small; Though with patience He stands waiting, with exactness grinds He all.

The key to HIV/AIDS was to say let's give a patient multiple different therapies at the same time and that makes the virus much less likely to mutate.

Nature made him, and then broke the mold.

Some things never die, and they often get way better.

God seems to throw Himself on the side of the man who knows exactly what he wants, if he is determined to get JUST THAT!

I've always tried to insert consciousness and spirituality in my records, interpreting the writings of all cultures and religions and how they apply to life in modern times.

I work hard and I will always work hard. But I feel very lucky with the way that it has all come together.