War is just demographics in a hurry.

Children are God’s or nature’s practical joke on couples—that which is produced by passion then proceeds to nearly kill it.

It is our own thoughts that lead us into trouble, not other people.

The final conflict will be between the Communists and the ex-Communists.

President Obama finally has his own personal Twitter account. Even John McCain said, 'Welcome to the Internet, grandpa.'

Woody is the guy who made me want to be a comic. I was in heaven and couldn't stop smiling because he was my idle and 29 years after seeing Take the Money and Run, I was working for him.

The strong look for more strength, the weak for excuses.

In fact, Parkinson's has made me a better person. A better husband, father and overall human being.

I'm a process server, so I have to wear a suit.

If you want change, you've got to stick with it.

Repeat mantra: Donuts are not vitamins, donuts are not.