Warmth is to sun, as truth is to me.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

The hardest thing in life is a man to be honest with himself

Growing up in politics I know that women decide all elections because we do all the work.

Pride gets into the Coach, and Shame mounts behind.

One of the marks of excellent people is that they never compare themselves with others. They only compare themselves with themselves and with their past accomplishments and future potential.

I know the most terrible thing that can happen to a woman. That is the gang-up. Men put you to sleep with their drops and one man after another goes in and takes you.

We're on tour for six months out of the year.

We strive toward knowledge, always more knowledge, but must understand that we are, and will remain, surrounded by mystery.

Every man has a secret ambition: To outsmart horses, fish and women.

All my books come out of sermons, and I'm really a pastor who writes rather than a writer who pastors.

Seek to understand before you seek to be understood.