Warning, I may contain more than a trace amount of nut.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Change isn't always comfortable, but it always teaches us something of utmost importance – usually about ourselves – and we become better people for it.

I'd rather lose my own money than someone else's.

My whole way of thinking is, your life is almost like a movie, and you are costuming each day as you go.

When barriers are put in front of you, it's God or the universe asking you to remember who you are, and reminding you not to let yourself be defined by things outside of you.

I don't watch something just because it's a specific genre.

I love going to the movies and being moved emotionally. I like my work, singing and writing in my journal.

I don't believe in expending energy on something you can't do anything about. If there was some easy way of fixing things, I'd probably do it.

We actors are an especially superstitious lot.

We have no intention of shipping another bloated OS and shoving it down the throats of our users.

History teaches us hope.