Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Feeling gratitude isn't born in us - it's something we are taught, and in turn, we teach our children.

The U.N. can meet and discuss, but we don't need their permission.

Life, it turns out, is infinitely more clever and adaptable than anyone had ever supposed.

In a stage play, you kill the leads and they come out for a bow - in a movie, they don't come out for a bow, they're dead.

Great men are the real men, in them nature has succeeded.

If unwilling to rise in the morning, say to thyself, 'I awake to do the work of a man.'

If you're for the right thing, you do it without thinking.

I'm blessed to be in a command position in a Navy this good

Lead the ideas of your time and they will accompany and support you; fall behind them and they drag you along with them; oppose them and they will overwhelm you.

The height of the mountaintop is measured by the drab drudgery of the valley.