Washington is dangerously positioned between two Canadas, Canada Canada and California's Canada, Oregon.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Everyone is born a millionaire, it is your God-given right to have an abundance of everything, health, money and love.

To think, or not to think...This is the true question.

A woman telling her true age is like a buyer confiding his final price to an Armenian rug dealer.

You've had a lot of presidents that haven't take that tack [get along with Russia]. Look where we are now. Look where we are now. So, if I can - now, I love to negotiate things.

I think, there are people for whom freedom is a bigger, more important thing than stability.

To be sure, the United States has profound problems, not least our faltering educational and physical infrastructure.

It is always necessary to overstate a cast startlingly to make people sit up and listen to it, and to frighten them into acting on it.

Ignorance is the father of all fear.

I do think that there are people who are able to connect with and empathize with anyone who is going through something difficult, just naturally. I don't think it's a world of effort for everyone.

I can no longer play at a level I was accustomed to in the past.