Watching soccer just makes me wish I was watching Foosball.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

Style is art and fashion is everything. Personal expression should reflect the best of who you are and respected without being misunderstood.

I'm not a romantic lead. I have sticking-out ears and a little troll nose.

It would be wrong to put friendship before the truth.

If you stay on the air for 18 years, people know you.

I had spent my time counterfeiting eternity.

Unity among the different races and the different religions of India is indispensable to the birth of national life.

Life is hard enough, you don't have to embellish the drama!

The human body is vapor materialized by sunshine mixed with the life of the stars.

So although women can do anything that men can't do, they can also do something that men can't do, and that is mother their children.

When you do a cartoon based on news headlines, you do it based on incomplete information.