We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Any other iron on you?” he asked impatiently.“Just my tongue stud.”His look was a mixture of curiosity and horror.“I’m kidding, you idiot. Let’s go.

Relationship is about forgiveness and compromise. It is about balance where one person complements each other.

the meaning of life is to help each other get through. The purpose of life is to live, with all 5 senses, and enjoy the gift

You do not want to get married at 22! Especially if you're famous, because girls are going to be throwing themselves at you.

Of all the things which wisdom provides to make us entirely happy, much the greatest is the possession of friendship.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

We have to stumble through so much dirt and humbug before we reach home. And we have no one to guide us. Our only guide is our homesickness.

Doctrine is not an affair of the tongue but of the life.

For most people it's easier to support an eminent person in deserved disgrace than an obscure one who has been wronged.

A close-up on screen can say all a song can.