We aim to please... You aim too, please.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

A writer who has perfect writing skills and zero honesty is not an author but a sales person.

Proper words in proper places make the true definition of a style.

I am of Virginia and all my professional life I have studied of Lee and Jackson

The bird's delirium does not interest the trees.

See, I have a different type of music from other peoples. They playing the other kind of blues, and I'm playing cotton-patch blues.... Ain't nobody now can play the blues that I play.

The Congress' name of 'INC' must be changed to 'Institutions Neglecting Congress'. Their habit is to misuse, abuse and reduce institutions.

Ultimately, writing is about trusting your own mind. It is an act of discovery.

It is absurd to think that a man can believe in Christ, with his heart, and it not have a radical affect on the rest of his life.

I've always said that the word 'genius,' especially in Hollywood, is way overused.

I don't consider myself a religious person, but I consider myself a very spiritual person. I would say I have a relationship with God, I believe in God, I do.