We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.

People will kill you over time, and how they'll kill you is with tiny, harmless phrases, like 'be realistic.'

Money can't buy you love, but it can get you some really good chocolate ginger biscuits.

Black Books adheres to a more old fashioned, traditional sitcom format, which I think works, because in its own way, it's quite theatrical.

You’re not an adult at all - you're just a tall child holding a beer, having conversations you don't understand...

Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway, it's like your bank balance - you always have a lot less than you think.

I'm quite a compulsive person-I only worked this out recently - I'm compulsive, but I'm also very indecisive. I don't know what I want, but I know that I want it now.

Oh how I hate you. I hate you so much it gives me energy. I have to get up early in the morning just to hate you, because there's not enough time in the day! Please GO AWAY!

I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.

I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow.

You try various things when you're growing up. I was an attache in the Foreign Service for a while and then I drove a bulldozer, but neither of those panned out for me so it had to be stand-up.

Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting

Death is a fiction created by people who live their lives in total unawareness. There is only life, life and life alone, moving from one dimension to another, another dimension to another.

When there's a war, people get married.

I don't really understsand why it's considered normal to stare at someone's eyeballs

A lot of girls in L.A. just stand in the corner wondering 'Who's gonna talk to me? Who am I gonna diss?'

Art is living stopped for a moment of wonder.

I'm just happy I'm not a phoney.

What are you laughing at? You are laughing at yourself.

I am not a monster, I am just a man.

If we are going to be happy and have any chance at growing then we must learn how to forgive others ... and ourselves.