We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Anger has great strength, but no brains.Greed has many hands, but no heart.Fear has many titles, but no honor.Hate has many forms, but no soul.

A romantic date for me is sitting in pajamas and being with a guy with whom I can be myself.

Right now I'm having so much trouble with D.L. Moody that I don't have time to find fault with the other fellow.

Life is about Jesus. We are not here to tell our story, but His.

A hit show takes Hollywood magic indeed, but it also takes a lot of math and science, plus the study of polls and trends to make and sell a TV show.

When God gives a vision, transact business on that line, no matter what it costs.

The Cross sanctifies the ego trip. For the Cross protected our Lord's perfect self-esteem from turning into sinful pride.

The feeling that someone owes us something, the pain for the harm that others caused us, etc., stops the inner progress of the soul.

A typical software project can present more opportunities to learn from mistakes than some people get in a lifetime.

I bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him 'father.'