We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

God is just a name for our wonder.

It's bad writing, however naturalistic it's written, that's where you have to do your best acting.

I don't like to fly. What's it called when the plane shakes? Turbulence, takeoffs... I grab my chair, close my eyes, count to 30, breathe, and pray.

Personally, I have never wished I were a male novelist.

I'm a benevolent dictator.

Go West, young man, go West and grow up with the country.

Downturns are the best time to start businesses because you develop discipline that's very lean and mean in terms of how to spend money. And those habits serve you very well in good times.

The longer it takes you to select a cantaloupe, the worse it is!

Boulez seemed to me to be a guy who wrote laws. Like a company lawyer.

Success is not permanent & failure is not fatal.