We came here to pick up chicks, not talk about dicks.

I thought 'Pineapple Express' was hilarious.

Remember Tupperware? That was the toughest stuff ever. Why can't they make a phone out of Tupperware?

When you're babysitting a kid, all you're seeing is a version of them, a small dosage.

I am the comedy version of ambidextrous. I'm working with my left and right hand. I'm the two-sided coin. I'm all of those metaphors you can think of. I'm the interracial couple. I'm BET and CBS.

You're trying to make someone wet their pants and you're trying to make somebody crap in their pants. That's the motivation of a comic. Who else has that power?

All you wanna do in life is do what you do well. That's when you're happiest.

You know how you put peanut butter on a piece of bread and the bread falls - it never falls on the bread side down, it always falls peanut butter side down. That's because of gravity.

You ever taste some damn chicken so horrible, that you wished the chicken would show up at your house and show your lady how to cook him?

Man, you can come see me six or seven times in a row and you'll never see the same show twice, because I don't like to be robotic onstage. I like to perform for that particular audience.

This Italian restaurant I'm at is authentic! When they seat you, they give you a mustache.

Only in the darkness can you see the stars.

Peopleare really the only thingwe are taking with uswhen we leave.—Terry Meewsen

If we could but paint with the hand as we see with the eye!

I'm always prepared for the worst.

The only way to learn on a zero dollar budget is to talk to people

My career as a magazine writer was largely prefaced on the idea of curiosity, to go on adventures and weasel my way into the lives of people that I admire.

Whatever you fix your eyes on is what you will encourage; fix your eyes on Jesus.

An artist is waiting for the audience to understand the work. A craftsman is working to understand the audience.

Each generation imagines that we're all going to hell. Each generation goes through a little hell and comes out heat tempered and better than before.

I actually enjoy the pain. That's what gives me the fire inside to get up and keep going.