We can choose our family. We can't choose our relatives.

I don't want to die tomorrow knowing I could've had a piece of cake tonight.

There's 5 levels of fatness! Fluffy is one of the levels. There's big, healthy, husky, fluffy and damn.

Why do people measure life by the years instead of how good the years were?

I drink diet coke so I can eat regular cake.

Me racist? The only race I hate is the one you have to run.

Life is measured by how you lived it, not by the years.

With all the classes they offer at school, how come they don't have one for common sense?

When you go to Hawaii, it's all about "Aloha." It means hello, goodbye and I love you.

You live by the cake, you die by the cake.

I had to travel half way across the world to be called an American.

I realized that the whole time I was holding this beautiful stranger in my arms, feeding on her, it felt like I was betraying Sofia.

Thank God we're going to try to continue and effectively defend our frontiers with the Border Patrol, with the Customs Department, with the Coast Guard, with the Armed Forces.

At least I get my little black dress cleaned once in awhile.

But grief is also a tonic. It is a healing elixir, made of tears that lubricate the heart.

America has enjoyed the doubtful blessing of a single-track mind.

If each of us were to confess his most secret desire, the one that inspires all his plans, all his actions, he would say: "I want to be praised."

Good nonsense is good sense in disguise.

Laziness has become the chief characteristic of journalism, displacing incompetence.

'Tis well enough for a servant to be bred at an University. But the education is a little too pedantic for a gentleman.

The observance of one commandment, however clearly and forcibly enjoined, cannot make up for the neglect of another which is enjoined with equal clearness and equal force.