We claim no respectability. There's no status I would not surrender for a joke. So we don't have to defend anything.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Why put yourself in charge of Heaven's cause?Does Heaven need our help to enforce its laws?

You're nothing to me until you're everything.

Politicians cannot create jobs or wealth. Such is axiomatic to straight thinkers.

To make lashes curl better, take a hair dryer to your eyelash curler for one or two seconds before using it.

Ben Stiller isn't funny - honest. Ben Stiller is very funny, and smart, and cute, too, in a neurotic, New York kind of way.

Problems are good, not bad. Welcome them and become the solution. When you have solved enough problems, people will thank you.

if I had one ambition it was to make my life itself into a poem.

I did not have to believe. I only had to wonder.

I don't text, I don't have a Blackberry. Literally, I just have a cell phone that I haven't programmed and the whole Bluetooth. No. I don't even have an earpiece for my cell phone.

The future is in your hands, the outcome is up to you.