We didn't choose the joke because it's filthy! We chose it because of the structure!

If I had the flag that Betsy Ross worked so hard on, I wouldn't destroy it. I'd put it up on EBay because it's gotta be worth some serious coin. And that is the American way.

Children in a third world country. That's how we spread democracy.

Some performers are brilliant comedians, some are genius musicians, and some just make you happy to be alive. THE BOBS are all of that - and then some.

I actually go to church. I know it's hard for you to believe. It's only because you know that Jesus on the cross? I love his smooth hairless body.

I know jazz is completely un-American. But the reason why America doesn't like it is because it's not funny. We [americans] have made jazz funny.

There is no democrats or republicans, right or left, red state or blue state. We are all one. And we are all unified against Mexicans.

As a comedian, I'm like one of those on-the-scene reporters. I will actually go and try to find disasters so I can write jokes as the disasters unfold.

I actually had to leave the country for infractions to fall off my record.

How many impressionist painters painted the same damned thing? How many actors have played the same part in renditions of a play or dancers do the same dances.

Great, tell me when you've defeated Voldemort for me, will you?

Have faith in your own instinct and your own truth.

The constrained lives of his characters made me wonder how my own existence might appear in his hands.

Vacation time is something we all accrue, but only the wisest of us recognize its importance.

I just try and learn to be a good husband and be a good father before I am a good rock star. That means saying no to certain things that go with the business.

Modern agriculture is the use of land to convert petroleum into food.

My father was in real estate, banking, and land management. As family life, it was very conventional, happy, and comfortable. We weren't wealthy, but we were well-off.

The dutifulness of children is the foundation of all virtues.

First comes thought; then organization of that thought, into ideas and plans; then transformation of those plans into reality. The beginning, as you will observe, is in your imagination.

Rest is sweet after strife.