We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

What are we doing to each other? Because I know that I am doing to him exactly what he is doing to me. We are sometimes so happy, and never in our lives have we known more unhappiness.

Nothing gets me more excited and inspired than something new.

Republicans have pounced. They're outraged. They say, 'How dare you lie about caring for the people who got hurt in the war we lied them into?'

Every dogma must have its day.

I always stay active, even if Im on vacation.

I doubt there's ever been a true thing said on Fox. Maybe the weather report, maybe not.

Aw I don't wanta go to no such thing, I just wanta drink in alleys.'... But you'll miss all that, just for some old wine.' There's wisdom in wine, goddam it!' I yelled. 'Have a shot!

I think sadly in any industry and in any work related environments females always strive to achieve a certain amount of perfection whether they be skinny or pretty. It's constant in our society.

Every morning when I get up, I ask God what he wants me to do, ask him to lead me to the right people to help them.

If women really did have complete equality with men, society would be completely overturned.