We don't want any pot-smoking vaginas because that's disgusting. And I saw it once in Indonesia, and I've never been able to get it out of my head.

LL Cool J should be the spokesman for a line of pajamas called Ladies Love Cool Jammies.

Why would any woman agree to be on a show called Bridezillas? It's not like men would agree to be on Douchegroom.

You know you drank too much the night before when you wake up with crop circles in your pubes.

Big deal... the only cats that don't have three legs are the ones with two through zero legs.

A message to parents who think legalizing weed will make their kids want to try it: they will anyway.

The genius' behind the new Rocky movie decided to call it Rocky Balboa so that we'll probably forget that it's number six. Or Rocky Balboa can't count past five.

In Seattle, they have a saying: 'If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.'

I just broke up with my girlfriend because I caught her lying. Under another man.

Stand-up is a very scary, very solitary profession, but you have to experience it to figure out if it's right for you.

The great thing about being up early on a Sunday is nothing.

It is assumed that the woman must wait motionless until she is wooed. That is how the spider waits for the fly.

I'd love to design bridal dresses.

The more I help out, the more successful I become. But I measure success in what it has done for the people around me. That is the real accolade.

This is America. You're allowed to have your views.

In every kind of adversity, the bitterest part of a man's affliction is to remember that he once was happy.

It's not what you do, it's the way you do it that makes you an artist. Whatever you do do it with all your heart. Be what you are Be creative!

No matter what role I play, I have a certain image to maintain. I believe I'm a role model and I take my parts accordingly.

The appearances of natural objects are in themselves meaningless; the essential thing is feeling - in itself and completely independent of the context in which it has been evoked.

When I travel on an airplane, I like to be served TWA milk and TWA coffee. But I love to be served TWA tea.

You're best when you're not in charge. The ego locks the muse.