We have a really, really great dog. It doesn't bark. My dog almost smiles, which is weird. He's just a very happy dog.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

Night becomes day only when the sun appears

If your attitude affect's your point of view, and your point of view affects your emotions, and your emotions reinforce your attitude, then why not choose a positive attitude?

Not every lost soul wants to be found, because not every lost is lost, some of them found something or many thing or even everything in their lostness!

The canvas is the door to another dimension. The paintbrush is the key.

I want to be with someone who wants to work as much as I do and who respects me like I respect him.

Homesickness for the gutter.

And he that does one fault at first And lies to hide it, makes it two.

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

The only people who claim that money is not important are people who have enough money so that they are relieved of the ugly burden of thinking about it.

Pleasure is an important component of the quality of life, but by itself it does not bring happiness. Pleasure helps to maintain order, but by itself cannot create a new order in consciousness.