We have been learning since we were children how to make money, buy things, build things. The whole education system is set up to teach us how to think, not to feel.

In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One.

I believe that laughter is a language of God and that we can all live happily ever laughter.

Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection.

In every country, they make fun of city. In U.S. you make fun of Cleveland. In Russia, we make fun of Cleveland.

In America, you break law. In Soviet Russia, law breaks you! In America, you watch Big Brother. In Soviet Russia, Big Brother watch you!

In America, you can always find a party. In Soviet Russia, The Party can always find you!

It's kind of bittersweet. The human spirit is not measured by the size of the act, but by the size of the heart.

I like American women. They do things sexually Russian girls never dream of doing - like showering.

Men and women are immigrants in each other's worlds.

I found out that when you get married the man becomes the head of the house. And the woman becomes the neck, and she turns the head any way she wants to.

As the new Adam, it might be said, his final act was to cast the Apple of Knowledge into the deep blue sea.

To make no mistake is not in the power of man but from their errors and mistakes the wise and good learn wisdom for the future.

Steadfastness is a noble quality, but unguided by knowledge or humility, it becomes rashness, or obstinacy.

Superfluous wealth can buy superfluities only.

It is a great misfortune not to possess sufficient wit to speak well, nor sufficient judgment to keep silent.

If you don't have enough you won't be happy. Neither are you happy if you have too much. It is those who have enough but not too much who are the happiest.

Men astonish themselves far more than they astonish their friends.

I'm intelligent enough and capable enough to understand that you are ignorant, pompous, egotistical, cretin. I'm going to crush you on here because I'm tired of hearing about it.

One of the important things about being a small-town reporter is knowing what not to put in the paper.

You look at a star for two reasons, because it is luminous, and because it is impenetrable. You have beside you a sweeter radiance and a greater mystery, woman.