We have first lady Michelle Obama on the show tonight. As you'd expect, security's been pretty tight. On my way in I got five pat-downs, and that was just from Joe Biden.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

We are made of stars. So, what's impossible?

The main trouble with being an honest man was that it lost you all your illusions.

For a lot of arcane shipping reasons, new comics, even digital ones, have a long history of only being released on Wednesdays.

One of the criteria by which we measure the worth of public figures is whether or not their brand of bull is in step with the current Zeitgeist.

Fools rush in where wise men fear to trade.

Watching television requires no skills and develops no skills. That is why there is no such thing as remedial television-watching.

Comparing objects like cars, houses, clothes, and defining life according to those comparisons, instead of trying to discover the real reason for being alive.

You have touched my heart in so many ways with your gentle tenderness, I am lost forever in your love.

Fashion constantly begins and ends in the two things it abhors most, singularity and vulgarity.