We have no desire to make anybody look like a blithering idiot, but we do love it when they do.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Change is often overrated: at times, all you need to change is how you change what you change in your life.

We would all benefit by shifting our focus from seeing pain as bad to seeing pain as motivation to change.

Pain only disables the weak.

Make it easy for your customers to do talk to you.

There are two things which are mine in this world, You and my Dreams and I love them both by heart and soul....!

No matter how beautiful, no matter how cool your interface, it would be better if there were less of it.

To remember everything is a form of madness.

And the bigger the fall, the bigger the joke. It would be better fun to throw a custard pie at a bishop than at a curate.

Oh, yesterdays are over my shoulder, So I can't look back for too long. There's just too much to see waiting in front of me, and I know that I just can't go wrong.