We know that the president [Donald Trump] watches "Saturday Night Live" because he tweets about it. He doesn't like it, but he keeps watching it.

A wedding invitation is a gift subpoena.

If the internet has taught us anything, it's that you want less news and more cats.

NASA scientists announced the discovery of 50 new planets, among them what they're calling Super Earth. It's indistinguishable from regular earth until it removes its glasses.

If we had known there was biting in soccer, we would have started watching years ago.

We love things with biting - "Twilight" movies, zombie movies, eating.

Being a model seems like a dream job - lots of new clothes, cocaine, dates with Leonardo DiCaprio. But that's just for lady models.

I love Salt Lake City. It's beautiful with all the great outdoors around you.

We're excited for when Sony greenlights the $50 million film a "Bunch Of Swirling Colors" starring George Clooney and a lava lamp.

Buddhism - Tibetan Buddhism - teaches us many things, peace comes from within, we must be free ourselves from earthly desires...

The Olympic Charter says winter sports must be played on snow or ice, so the Chess Federation says they'll play with ice pieces. The Olympic charter also says sports must be sports.

Only give a woman love, and there is nothing she will not venture, suffer, and do.

We have a presidential election coming up. And I think the big problem, of course, is that someone will win.

Ezra was right half the time, and when he was wrong, he was so wrong you were never in any doubt about it.

The religion of Jesus Christ is not ascetic, nor sour, nor gloomy, nor circumscribing. It is full of sweetness in the present and in promise.

I love America, and I love to say that my family is American.

He hath shook hands with time.

Who is an artist? I say we take a title. No one gives it to us. We make our lives.

The worst moment from all of this was driving from that doctor's office, to tell my wife that I was HIV positive.

Karma is the eternal assertion of human freedom. . . . Our thoughts, our words, and deeds are the threads of the net which we throw around ourselves.

It's frightfully important for a writer to be his age, not to be younger or older than he is. One might ask, "What should I write at the age of sixty-four," but never, "What should I write in 1940."