We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Now and then we had a hope that if we lived and were good, God would permit us to be pirates.

If mankind's greatest achievement is to produce more spaces for mankind to live in, I do not think I am so impressed.

The cure for all ills and wrongs the cares the sorrows and the crimes of humanity all lie in the one word 'love.' It is the divine vitality that everywhere produces and restores life.

It takes great courage to be vulnerable. It takes enormous strength to be a real woman.

Many citizens see all the leadership of these large institutions together in a conspiracy against them rather than in any adversary relationship with each other.

When people ask you to do stuff, it's not your idea anymore, so it's tough to get behind it.

We are lucky, even the worst of us, for daylight comes.

A beam of luminous hydrogen canal rays has, owing to its velocity, exactly the same direction as that of the electric field in which it may be made to move.

The Robertson family and bad ideas go together like biscuits and jam.