We only have one agenda, which is to make 'em laugh their pants off. Unless they are girls, of course, when it is to make them laugh their bras off so we can get a quick look.

I'm waiting for the time when I fail - because we all fail - and I'm ready, I'll take up carpentry.

We had so much fun in Ghana and they are really lovely people.

Performers like Tommy Cooper, who are always getting things wrong, are much more endearing than comedians who are sassy and smart.

You're entering dangerous land when you start theorising about comedy.

There is a lot of rubbish written about toilet humour - people saying it is childish and pretending it is beneath them - but there is no doubting the effectiveness of a really good willy gag.

I remember once having to stop performing when I thought an elderly man a few rows back from the front was actually going to die because he was laughing so hard.

From the stage I've seen people of all ages absolutely roaring at really good toilet humour.

Most modern comedy is crap.

It takes courage to fail.

At its most basic, the allure of fundamentalism, whether religious or ideological, liberal or conservative, is that it provides an appealing order to things that are actually disorderly.

Be assured that Christianity is something more than forms and creeds and ceremonies: there is life, and power, and reality, in our holy faith.

Satanism represents kindness to those who deserve it instead of love wasted on ingrates!

There are lots of kinds of feminism, but ultimately it's about letting people be human beings

I cannot get into cottage cheese, and I've tried a lot. Yogurt is hard for me to eat, too. I have to hold my nose to get it down. There's something wrong with that.

On your life, underestimating the proclivities of finches is likely to lead to great internal hemorrhaging.

I spend a lot of my time talking to the dead, but since I get paid for it, no one thinks I'm mad.

All I'm saying is that there is a price to be paid at the sharp end.. environmentally and everywhere else.. for the food that is produced in a particular way.

Life give to you what you gave to it. So give your best.