We owe it to our troops to let them sleep in their own beds, wake up in the morning, have a delicious breakfast, and drive to war.

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.

Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.

The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.

They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'

The vanity of human life is like a river constantly passing away and yet constantly coming on.

I don't think there could ever be more pressure to succeed than the pressure I place on myself.

People are questioning if Ted Cruz can legally run for president because he was born in Canada. And the last thing we want to do is pave the way for a President Bieber.

There must be a corps that will battle for righteousness, for there are endless battalions who serve unrighteousness.

There is a young and impressionable mind out there that is hungry for information. It has latched on to an electronic tube as its main source of nourishment.

I'm not a practicing kabbalist. I'm not a spiritual master. I'm not a rabbi. I don't - but it's part of who I am.

Nothing dies harder than a bad idea. And few ideas are worse than the ones we have about art.

They can't fire me because my family buys too many tickets.

True beauty is a ray that springs from the sacred depths of the soul.

It is the close observation of little things which is the secret of success in business, in art, in science, and in every pursuit of life.