We're better than Galileo. Because he's dead.

Even the ugliest person's cellulite is more attractive than the most beautiful supermodel's lower intestine.' I'd put that on a T-shirt but probably Mark Twain already said it.

Brains are like toddlers. They are wonderful and should be treasured, but that doesn't mean you should trust them to take care of you in an avalanche or process serotonin effectively.

Or the woman in front of me in the security line who asked if they would put her cat, Dave, through the luggage X-ray machine because she wanted to see if he'd eaten a necklace.

Which sort of shows why my body is an idiot, because forced narcolepsy is pretty much the worst defense ever.

It was nice to call my parents and proudly tell them, "My lady garden is going viral." In hindsight, that may have been a poor choice of phrasing.

It's okay to keep a broken oven in your yard as long as you call it art.

Lady, you have the wrong number. Our cat isn't even in the hospital. He doesn't want pajamas.

Refrigerators are good for keeping homemade moonshine less gross. Freezers are good for keeping rattlesnakes less angry. Garages are good to hide in when your wife finds either.

If we weigh the significance of a book by the effect it has on its readers, then the great children's books suddenly turn up very high on the list.

Running away, avoiding life's battles or giving up robs you of the opportunity to grow and be stronger.

This life of ours...human life is like a flower gloriously blooming in a meadow: along comes a goat, eats it up---no more flower.

The music is not used repetitiously to create film atmosphere. It is, in fact, the leading character.

Life is a play that does not allow testing. So, sing, cry, dance, laugh and live intensely, before the curtain closes and the piece ends with no applause.

Too many of us feel that we have to be perfect, in order to be loved.

Women should stop going for the bad guys, stop looking so far when the good ones are right there.

I was very ill at ease with people in social situations, and I realized that if I photographed I wouldn't have to chat.

I never talk about things that don't matter. I never talk about things that are unimportant. I always talk about things that interest me.

My wretched dragon is perplexed.