We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes for the CD. You know what sweeten means, right? Sweeten is a show-biz term for "add sugar to".

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends.

Writing is self-pleasure

The difference between poverty and prosperity is the mindset of living out of necessity instead of possibility.

I like voice-over in films, and most of my films have been voice-over films.

The house of a childless person is a void, all directions are void to one who has no relatives, the heart of a fool is also void, but to a poverty stricken man all is void.

The station was tight, aggressive ... the deejays at times sounding as if they were broadcasting at gunpoint.

Women, somehow, have the same fear of witty men as of fireworks.

Dying is nothing to fear. It can be the most wonderful experience of your life. It all depends on how you've lived.

The team that gets off to a good start wins pennants.

Sustained change only happens when we shift at an emotional rather than logical level.