We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law, just like Richard Nixon.

You should definitely visit the Louvre, a world-famous art museum where you can view, at close range, the backs of thousands of other tourists trying to see the Mona Lisa.

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

It's the exile's dilemma. The home they yearn for is never the home to which they return. If they return.

I'm your worst damn nightmare, Skeletor. I'm a vampire killer with fangs and a grudge.

Silence is one great art of conversation.

Investing is a business where you can look very silly for a long period of time before you are proven right.

The body knows things about which the mind is ignorant

Even in the inevitable moments when all seems hopeless, men know that without hope they cannot really live, and in agonizing desperation they cry for the bread of hope.

1 out of 3 Americans says, "I hate my job." 80-plus percent say, "I'm ill-equipped and unenthused about my work."

For Cider House Rules, I was doing a New England accent.

Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.

Actually we've got countless lifetimes, so relax.