We suffer most when the White House busts with ideas.

Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.

On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.

The demagogue is one who preaches doctrines he knows to be untrue to men he knows to be idiots.

The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.

Morality is doing what is right, no matter what you are told. Religion is doing what you are told, no matter what is right.

Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance.

The urge to save humanity is almost always a false front for the urge to rule.

It is inaccurate to say that I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty, and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible for public office.

Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.

Isolation and loneliness are central causes of depression and despair.

I'm not into werewolves, but holy crap is he a hottie. Totally gorgeous and built like a tank. I bet he's got one down to his---

The future is ours to win. But to get there we can't just stand still.

Words were written out for me phonetically. I learned to quack in French, Spanish, Portuguese, Japanese, Chinese and German.

Girls: I never wanted them all. Just all the ones I wanted.

The art of detection is finding a common denominator for the fractions of a case.

If your bigs rim run at full speed it not only increases the potential for a quick layup, but opens up court for guards

If you don't care about quality, you can meet any other requirement.

I think comedy is the most difficult thing in the world, I really do.

I'm all about fashion, cheeseburgers and bright-red lipstick.