We've got to clear some of the room out of the prisons so we can put the bad guys in there, like the pedophiles and the politicians.

I even went so far as to become a Southern Baptist for a while, until I realized that they didn't hold 'em under long enough.

Money can buy you a fine dog, but only love can make him wag his tail.

I admit I was drinking a Guinness... but I did not swallow.

And I think musicians can better run this state than politicians. And, hell, beauticians can better run the state than politicians.

Musicians can run this state better than politicians. We won't get a lot done in the mornings, but we'll work late and be honest.

Poly means more than one, and ticks are bloodsucking parasites.

Well, I just said that Jesus and I were both Jewish and that neither of us ever had a job, we never had a home, we never married and we traveled around the countryside irritating people.

I just want Texas to be number one in something other than executions, toll roads and property taxes.

When a stray animal crosses your path, it may be as close to God as you're going to get in this lifetime.

People may surprise you with unexpected kindness. Dogs have a depth of loyalty that often we seem unworthy of. But the love of a cat is a blessing, a privilege in this world.

The writing is what's most important to me.

are my light and you gide my way

Marriage is a language of love, equality, and inclusion.

Drink not the third glass, which thou canst not tame, when once it is within thee.

That which hits the fan tends to get flung in all directions.

When something startlingly new comes up, young people, especially, seize it. You can't complain about that. I think its heyday has passed, but it's had an effect and will continue to have an effect.

Everyone in America seems to be joining an organization of some kind, and in Congress one hears from them all.

Like an engineer understands a car he or she designed, no one understands your limitations and possibilities better than the God who created you.

I don't do drama. I'm a comedian.