We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Arrogance combined with stubbornness is a ticking bomb.

The world is always in movement.

God's men are better than the devil's men, and they ought to act as though they thought they were.

There is nothing like employment, active indispensable employment, for relieving sorrow. Employment, even melancholy, may dispel melancholy.

What we need now is not just a regime change in Saddam Hussein and Iraq, but we need a regime change in the United States.

Well, Ben Rogers, if I was as ignorant as you I wouldn't let on.

If I thought there was any hope of turning 'World War Z' into a movie, I wouldn't have written it as a giant, epic, global story, because that requires a giant, epic, global budget.

Man's goodness is a flame that can be hidden but never extinguished

This Classic Rock 'n Blues Tour / Hippiefest roster promises a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to see some of the best, legendary artists of our lifetime. I can't wait to be a part of it.

If you want to conquer lust for wealth, love selflessness and sparing way of life.