We will try to honor David Letterman achievement by doing the best show we can.And occasionally making the network very mad at us.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Truth is the greatest strength we have against the darkness.

You don’t have any balls?’ For once I wasn’t trying to be insulting.

The truth is that our way of celebrating the Christmas season does spring from myriad cultures and sources, from St. Nicholas to Coca-Cola advertising campaigns.

I think the difficult thing is the transition between TV competition series and going into the actual music industry. There still seems to be a slight disconnect there.

For all prayer is answered. Don't tell God how to answer it.

If coming events are said to cast their shadows before, past events cannot fall to leave their impress behind them.

I quit karate originally because it wasn't something that I was initially passionate about.

There is an enormous amount to be learned about the sea; like most wildernesses, it has great potential.

Every conjecture we can form with regard to the works of God has as little probability as the conjectures of a child with regard to the works of an adult.

Awareness, even at a subconscious level, beats fancy checklists without it, track or you will fail.