We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Why is Jesus’ saying, “I am!” so important? Because, you’re not!

The long-term value of amplifying the intelligence of people is a lot more important than betting on sports.

We cannot exist as a little island of well-being in a world where two-thirds of the people go to bed hungry every night.

I really love that dynamic between beauty and sadness...theres always these moments of quiet alienation, the sense of disconnect, but also, these moments of possibility.

Are you with women who only bleed monthly on their cycles?

I don't judge the character at all. It's a bit like being someone's defense lawyer - you have to believe in their innocence in order to defend them.

If you want a successful marriage, let your husband do what he wants to do.

Tune in next week, same Stone Cold time, same Stone Cold Channel!

I find letters from God dropt in the street, and every one is sign'd by God's name.

Our wills and fates do so contrary run.