Weak coffee is the greatest sin against humanity.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

The possession of knowledge does not kill the sense of wonder and mystery. There is always more mystery.

I'll be damned if I'm the weak link in a line of cognac drinkers.

He was everything I’d ever wanted, and everything I hadn’t even known I needed.

And this is where I'll end, before I know what happens next.

The realities of the world seldom measure up to the sublime designs of human imagination.

Directors, like actors, get typecast. And because I've had great success with comedy and horror and TV shows, that's basically what I'm kind of offered.

If I weren't doing what I'm doing now, the actress thing, the star business, if you want to call it that, whatever it is, I'd be in an asylum. I'm sure of it.

Hell is a half-filled auditorium.

Being our Self is the wisest philosophy, the bravest action, the kindest consideration and the greatest act of healing imaginable.

Heart's-ease is a flower which blooms from the grave of desire.