Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

Reality doesn't care about convenience or dramatic story progression.

Unless you're God, you are never too "big" to be a fan.

While men's rights are guaranteed by specific language in the Constitution, women's equal rights aren't mentioned.

If haters or whatever want to find you - I mean, some of them are so tenacious. You want to hire them to work for you. Theyre very, very savvy in terms of how they find you and get to you.

Soberity makes me write dull songs about reorganizing the knick knacks in my house.

My Mind To Me a Kingdom Is.

I think its really important for your mental health to think about the big questions, to discuss them and open your mind, in order to prepare you for both life and death.

It is noble to pity a man who is cruel because he is weak, but it is idiotic and dangerous to allow him to have power.

One drop of the Lord's mercy is better than an ocean of the world's comfort.

In the sense of media saying this about themselves, I drive to my kids' school in upstate New York through rural Virginia, Maryland, Pennsylvania, New York; [Donald] Trump signs everywhere.