Welcome to the Academy Awards, or, as it's known at my house, Passover.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties

I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.

My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.

I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected.

Philosophy is the song of love with the music of morals.

The decisions that Ellen made on her show were between her and her producers. I supported her decisions. I was there to hug her when she got home.

Love is something far more than desire for sexual intercourse; it is the principal means of escape from the loneliness which afflicts most men and women throughout the greater part of their lives.

[Establishment] raided the wealth for themselves and taken our jobs away out of our country never to return unless I'm elected president.

The fun part about collaborating is that you naturally just bounce off each other's energy and learn off each other.

I want to separate sin from crime. You may have to ask forgiveness for your sins from God, but not from the Minister of Justice. There's no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation.

I was wrong to exaggerate in statements related to my experiences in the White House and the Royal Family. I am truly sorry for misleading people and misstating the facts.

If one is free at heart, no man-made chains can bind one to servitude.

The object is to make a great record and you have to do whatever it takes.

Beauty is a fact, and it can change with time. Something ugly in the morning can become beautiful in the evening.