Well, I always had a chauffer, because I have never driven a car in my life. I still can't drive.

You never heard of a comedy team that didn't fight, did you?

Now, on the St. Louis team we have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third...

It gets boring at home. How many reruns of Abbott and Costello movies can a guy watch on TV?

Sitting at home the way I do, I'd just love the hear from people. It'd be a great help in passing the time.

That's why so many stars are making pictures in Europe today. The tax guys are making thieves out of everybody.

They liked me so long as the liquor flowed at my house, but I haven't seen any of them around lately.

It gets so boring at home. After all, how many reruns of Abbott and Costello movies can a guy watch on television?

if anybody feels unworthy to enter heaven, well then at least let heaven enter his soul.

Is the any religion like a right act?

Mordred and Agravaine thought Arthur hypocritical—as all decent men must be, if you assume that decency can’t exist.

I can't even spell spaghetti never mind talk Italian. How could I tell an Italian to get the ball - he might grab mine.

The Republicans initially sort of saw George W. Bush as a blank canvas, didn't they? It seems like they interviewed him when he was governor of Texas to see what kind of candidate he could be.

All forms of government are pernicious, including good government.

This is a tough business to run for president.

Don't waste your time being upset about something you can't change. Begin again and do it better this time.

Once again, when you upgrade sensations from an addiction to a preference, you can enjoy things such as gourmet food and music, without having your happiness depend on them.

I don't watch cable news at night. So I can honestly tell you that I am not in a funk, I am not depressed, I'm not suicidal, I'm not thinking it's over.