Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

Nothing ever invented provides such sustenance, such infinite reward for time spent, as a good book.

My wisdom is as spurned as chaos. What is my nothingness, compared to the amazement that awaits you?

The only defense against stupid is distance.

The full-grown modern human being ... is conscious of touching the highest pinnacle of fulfillment... when he is consumed in the service of an idea in the conquest of the goal pursued.

Indulge in procrastination, and in time yon will come to this, that because a thing ought to be done, therefore you can't do it.

When He tells us to love our enemies He gives, along with the command, the love itself.

In British culture, redheads get teased at school. But I've grown up enough to realize I love my hair.

When my son will be born, my first goal will be for him. The rest, will be as always for my grandmother.

Sanctions make a substantial contribution to power based on privation, and they have never hurt a single despot in the whole history of their use.

It is more blessed to give than to receive, but then it is also more blessed to be able to do without than to have to have.