Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Negative emotions, like depression or anxiety, have been shown to affect our immune system. Stress impedes wound healing.

Live your life. It’s yours anyway.Don’t try too hard. It’s okay to lose.

When I was a child . . . Only virtue was prized, virtue at the expense of intellect, health, happiness, and every mundane good.

Milwaukee, Wisconsin is a place that I feel like it's undervalued. It's one of the most amazing cities I've been to. It has the most to offer.

In general, women desire to rule over their husbands and lovers, to be the authority above them.

I attended the Columbus College Of Art & Design for a little while, until I realized they didn't take cartooning very seriously.

And it's as you get older that you realize that the things that make you strange are the things that make you who you are. And that's a lovely place to get to.

People always ask about my influences, and they cite a bunch of people I've never heard of

I always see my wife as the clever one, as the wise one in the family.

I'm not going to be an interpreter at the U.N. I'm not going to live in Africa on a farm or whatever, but I am going to see the world through those eyes when I make those films.