Well, the big story -- Hillary Clinton will be running for president in 2008. You know why I think she's running? I think she finally wants to see what it's like to sleep in the president's bed.

According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog.

Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!

You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.

Politics is just show business for ugly people.

CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?'

Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.

Magic Johnson, former basketball player, may run for mayor of L.A. in the next election. Remember the good 'ol days when only qualified people ran for office like actors and professional wrestlers.

Oh. I see. People don't want to see what can't possibly exist.

I personally believe in the power of second chances.

The most meaningful endeavors are the ones that come without an end.

Our combat mission is ending, but our commitment to Iraq's future is not.

When two enemies are talking, they're not fighting.

There is a sign that hangs on my wall that says, 'What is it you want me to do to somebody else that is more important than what you want me to do for you?

I bought properties inexpensively and made a lot of money. I began to think it was easy.

An expropriating property protector (the state, through taxation) is a contradiction in terms

Everybody's got plans... until they get hit.