What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Don’t be worried about the future. Live this moment so totally that the next moment comes out of it golden.

The idea of having a steady job is appealing.

Maybe I don't see enough television, but it seems there aren't many shows that are romantic comedies that are an hour long where you're not solving a crime or being a doctor.

I have a sort of waking nightmare: to get this thing just about completed, and the last day to discover one little part that doesn't quite fit with the adjacent part.

Only by being both deity and humanity could Jesus Christ bridge the gap between where God is.

The temptations of prosperity insinuate themselves after a gentle, but very powerful manner; so that we are but little aware of them and less able to withstand them.

There are thirty-two ways to write a story, and I’ve used every one, but there is only one plot – things are not as they seem.

It is impossible to understand history, international politics, the world economy, religions, philosophy, or ‘patterns of culture’ without taking geography into account.

The little suckings and smackings of the perversions are the sounds of joyous infancy.

I'm still not sure what pulled me into the career I chose, even though, now, I can't imagine having done anything else. Mostly, I think I wanted to be a writer, or at least to try for a while.