What I usually do is tell funny stories from the road, many of which are, of course, unprintable. But I don't actually have a joke. I don't tell jokes much. I tell little stories.

I've waffled before. I'll waffle again.

I still want to be the candidate for guys with Confederate flags in their pickup trucks.

I was hoping to get a reception like this, I'd just hoped that it would be on Thursday night instead of Tuesday night.

I'm a committed Christian. I worship in my own way. That's my business. That's not the business of the pharisees who are going to preach to me about what I do and then do something else.

I'm just deeply disappointed that once again we may have to settle for the lesser of two evils.

We know that no one person can succeed unless everybody else succeeds.

I think with a lifetime appointment to the Supreme Court, you can't play, you know, hide the salami, or whatever it's called.

Tom DeLay ought to go back to Houston where he can serve his jail sentence.

I think the recovery hasn't been stronger because the hole that was dug for President Obama by the Bush administration was far worse than anybody could imagine, first of all.

The Democratic Party, all the candidates from Washington, they all know each other, they all move in the same circles, and what I'm doing is breaking into the country club.

Enjoy the beauty of simplicity and slowness of life, let go of urgency, stress, and anxiety of life.

Our way of life is at stake, our grandchildren are at stake, the future of civilization is at stake.

You know what, evolution is a myth. ... Why aren't monkeys still evolving into humans?

Something's like crossed over in me and I can't go back. I couldn't live.

The musical scale is a convention which circumscribes the area of potentiality and permits construction within those limits in its own particular symmetry.

I used to drink from my little sister’s bottle when she was a baby.

I never ever played the lead role in a play, except at school. I guess the industry that we're in, boys that look like me don't get the lead role.

They say the test of literary power is whether a man can write an inscription. I say, "Can he name a kitten?"

The search for one's first professional job is not unlike a magical love potion: when one wants to fall in love with the next thing one sees, one generally does.

Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.” “Well you can't say fairer than that then