What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.

Well, it doesn't look good. Makes me look like one of those unloved latchkey children they make after-school specials about.""Don't sell yourself short. You're more Masterpiece Theatre.

alcohol played the midwife

Victoria's Secret is really about celebrating women and what they stand for: the strength.

The power of social media is it forces necessary change.

With out art, without communicating, we wouldn't live beyond 30 because we'd be so sad and depressed.

Try again. Fall flat on your face, get up, try again. Fall on your face, get up, try again.

Ben Bova seems to work very hard at working in new discoveries into his Glum Future but alas, his future is glum and not that well written.

I like to spend time with my family. The majority of my time is spent in London, but I do like to escape and spend time with them in my hometown of Brighton on the south coast.

On his [Marco Rubio] Gang of Eight bill, he would have liberalized immigration, but he did not - and he steadfastly opposed any new border security requirements for refugees or students.