What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Love sucks sometimes. It can stretch you beyond what you feel you can endure. But you can, and you must get back to love and living!

That is the problem with our world. Nobody trusts anybody. We are just waiting for somebody to save us.

The beauty of soul is reflected by eyes

It is not I who have been consigned to the bedroom of history.

As long as I'm giving a little hype, I can't resist saying that Elie [Wiesel] has also written a number of pieces for Bible Review, for which I serve as editor.

When we're talking about a trillion dollars of taxpayer money, "trust me" just isn't good enough.

We can all of us be hurt, and no one is exclusively safe from worry and sadness.

You have to be consistent. You have to be yourself. You have to be committed to what you're doing. You have to not be afraid to be ambitious.

When I grew up in Flatbush, 'we played football, stickball and baseball all the time, right out there on the city streets. Football was my favorite.

A player does not have to like a manager and he does not have to respect a manager. All he has to do is obey the rules.