What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

I believe in the hands that work, in the brains that think, and in the hearts that love...I believe in sunshine, fresh air, friendship, calm sleep, beautiful thoughts.

There is a time for reciting poems and a time for fists.

One thing you notice about progress, kid, is that it doesn't happen to everyone.

The two things, love and snow, that make the world look fresh again

Hope could be the most powerful thing or the most useless.

Every thought derives from a thwarted sensation.

Football combines the two worst things about America: it is violence punctuated by committee meetings.

Passing into higher forms of desire, that which slumbered in the plant, and fitfully stirred in the beast, awakes in the man.

There is no gift more great than love.

I always recommend rewiring vintage lighting. It's not a bargain if your house burns down.