What are children anyway? Midget drunks. They greet you in the morning by kneeing you in the face and talking gibberish. They can't even walk straight.

People will kill you over time, and how they'll kill you is with tiny, harmless phrases, like 'be realistic.'

Money can't buy you love, but it can get you some really good chocolate ginger biscuits.

Black Books adheres to a more old fashioned, traditional sitcom format, which I think works, because in its own way, it's quite theatrical.

You’re not an adult at all - you're just a tall child holding a beer, having conversations you don't understand...

Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway, it's like your bank balance - you always have a lot less than you think.

I'm quite a compulsive person-I only worked this out recently - I'm compulsive, but I'm also very indecisive. I don't know what I want, but I know that I want it now.

Oh how I hate you. I hate you so much it gives me energy. I have to get up early in the morning just to hate you, because there's not enough time in the day! Please GO AWAY!

I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.

I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow.

You try various things when you're growing up. I was an attache in the Foreign Service for a while and then I drove a bulldozer, but neither of those panned out for me so it had to be stand-up.

So many boys, so little time.

In contrast with the law, which imposed giving as a divine requirement, Christian giving is voluntary, and a test of sincerity and love.

She works hard for the money so you better treat her right.

Success is something you attract, by becoming an attractive person.

I'm not a big baseball fan, to be honest.

I learned that lesson a long time ago. When you write popular fiction, you're going to get bashed by critics.

In tribulation immediately draw near to God with confidence, and you will receive strength, enlightenment, and instruction.

And I would urge all women to have that regular mammogram.

My wife and I have created our own language. We can be at a table with six other people and have an argument without anyone knowing. It doesn't even have to be out loud. It's bizarre.

But I also live to perform and I've been performing my whole life, whether it's been in sports or you know in band or with my singing.